Stop Asking for Permission to Be You

Written by Kris Nichols, ENP

I’m starting this blog, as I do most things, by disclosing that it is really a love letter to my younger self. I’m filling it with things I wish someone had told me. Things I wish I had known without having to be told. I’m writing this for my own personal, cathartic reasons, but I sincerely hope it helps others.

Just know, as I write this, I’m talking to you as much as I’m talking to myself. So, I’m going to hold your hand while I say this very important thing with my whole chest:

Stop. Asking. For. Permission. To. Be. You.

That’s a lot to take in, I know. It can be interpreted in many ways, but here’s mine: stop asking for everyone’s opinions just so you can live your life.

If you know me personally or professionally, you’ve probably heard or witnessed me asking people for feedback. All kinds of feedback. Literally.

• Are these jeans in style?

• Does this infographic look okay?

• How does this email sound before I send it?

• How does this text look?

Or, most embarrassingly, “What should I do?” When I know exactly what to do.    I have decades’ worth of questions just like these that I’ve asked family, friends, and various people in my life. I always chalked it up to wanting feedback and reassurance before deciding on something I thought was important enough to warrant other opinions. The more time has gone on, the more I realize that most of these moments only needed one person’s approval: mine.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been shackled and chained to your anxiety, always dragging it around. Sometimes it’s small enough to carry or even hide. You can go days without noticing it. Other times, it’s so heavy and obvious that it’s like pulling a ball and chain behind you. It changes your posture. It changes your breathing. It changes your life. I am by no means an expert at said life, or even at stress management. I am, however, someone who has been battling anxiety for a very long time. And as I grow older, I’ve realized something incredibly important: it’s not always that serious.

If you’ve stumbled on this blog, chances are you’re in some form of public safety, and you do understand what life-or-death situations really are. But all those things I listed above? Not life or death. Looking back, I can see myself in so many situations where I held my breath waiting for answers. For instance, standing awkwardly in a store, trying on jeans I loved but waiting for my sisters in the group chat to approve before I bought them. Why? Because my anxiety always triggers when I fear I’ve done something wrong. I needed someone to tell me it was okay to buy them because I didn’t want to make the wrong decision. Yes, even buying the “wrong” pair of jeans could send me into an anxiety spiral. Even if I liked them. Even if I loved them.

Why couldn’t I listen to myself? My amazingly wonderful, sweet, caring, silly, hilarious, smart, and uniquely-me self? Sadly, I don’t even really have an answer for all those times in my life when I doubted my own voice and needed someone else’s. At 32 years old, I wish I could teleport back to every single occasion (and there are thousands) where I didn’t trust my own voice. I wish I could tell myself: It’s okay. I promise you’re right and you’re doing a good job. (Probably wouldn’t have listened to me anyway, but that’s beside the point).

Instead, I always for someone else’s permission. Yes, those jeans look great. Yes, that email sounds professional. Yes, that text says what you want it to say. Yes, you should do it.    Did I ever really need all those permissions? Of course I didn’t. It was just my anxiety talking. Because let’s be honest: worst-case scenario, people don’t like my jeans. Or my e-mails aren’t grammatically correct, or my texts have too many “lols”.  Or I did something that someone else didn’t approve of. But that doesn’t mean the people in my life would stop loving me. At least, one would hope.

So, I’ll say it again, to you and to me: stop asking permission to be you.

You’re allowed to make decisions for yourself without involving everyone. You know yourself best, because you’ve never left your side. You know what’s in your heart and what’s in your head. We’re not always going to get this right the first go around, and that’s okay.

I’m not asking you to go rogue and never ask for help or others’ opinions ever again, because we as humans need mentors, friends, and community. It’s how we function. I am asking, however, for you to start trusting yourself more. You do have more answers than you realize.  

We all only have one shot at this life. Even if we’re lucky enough to live again someday, this life is still just one shot. I finally understand that, as it sounds, cliché, mistakes truly are a part of life. There is absolutely no way to get around it. Sometimes the mistakes are going to be small, and sometimes they’ll be life-changing. I’ve made a bit of each, but I'm still here thriving. Every single decision I've made (good or bad) has brought me to the life I’m living now, which I am so incredibly happy and thankful for. So, I'm choosing to focus on all the good decisions I've made. Because even if I’ve asked a thousand opinions about something, I always end up doing what I want. Seriously. No one forces me to do anything I don't want to... so why do I have so much anxiety about making the wrong decision? Probably a question for a therapist.        The more I’ve stopped asking other people’s permission to be myself and do what makes me happy, the more I feel like I’ve taken back control over who I am and who I want to be. I still have my circle of people in my life whose opinions and advice matter very much to me. I’m just not waiting on the silly stuff anymore, because I’m doing those all on my own. Because at the end of the day, it’s only you. You need to listen to that voice in your head and your heart. Save the pep talks and the circle of friends counseling for things that truly matter. Go ahead and start making those decisions. If they’re wrong, that's ok. Just go make another decision. 

Thank you, Kris for sharing your experience with us. If you are interested in writing a blog, please email amanda@911derwomen.com. Sign up for our newsletter on our homepage to stay up to date with 911der Women programming, exclusive content and blog updates. Click here and scroll to the bottom.