Getting Beyond Trauma
Written by Suzanne West
Life is full of unexpected things. As a 911 Dispatcher I’ve taken plenty of hard calls. Some of those calls were from people I knew and even a few from relatives. However, nothing can prepare you for that call that comes when you are not on duty, the one that changes life as you know it.
A few weeks ago, I received one of those calls. After a nice morning walking with co-workers at a local walking track, I was on my way home when my phone rang. It was my son sounding scared, crazed, and crying; he was telling me that his fiancée had just been in a wreck and he thought she might be dead. At first, I couldn’t comprehend what he was saying. I could not get those words to make sense. I had just been texting with her while I was on my walk. My first coherent thought was to ask if my son was in the vehicle, to which he replied he was not. Then I asked if he was on scene, and he said he was due to the accident occurring right down the road from him. It was then that my training kicked in, and a rapid fire of questions came out one after the other: Is she conscious? Is she breathing? Do you see her chest rising and falling? Is she trapped in the vehicle? Can you get her out? I can walk you through CPR…
Unfortunately, no matter what the effort was at the scene, my son’s fiancée was pronounced deceased. I listened to the wailing and howling of my son as the fireman on scene told him that she was gone. I listened as he begged to change places, begged to have her back. I stayed on the line as the firemen covered her body with a white sheet, and my son started to make threats of suicide, saying he could not continue to live without her. Here I am, on the phone while he is so overwhelmed with grief, and all the while, I am trying my best to stay calm and give him the best parts of my training. Between my own sobs, I tried to calm, reassure, and give him strength and remind him of all the reasons he had to keep going instead of giving in to all the pain he was feeling.
When we finally disconnected, I let the waves of despair wash over me, one after the other. Grief for her, for my son, and for their boys. My first phone call was to someone I knew could help talk me through this. She listened as I cried, at times barely able to catch my breath. Sitting in my car behind the local Chick-fil-a, choking on sobs, filled with worry, the calm voice in my chaos was my 911 supervisor.
As time passed, I reflected on that day, and I know that even though I was not there on scene, much like what we deal with as 911 dispatchers, I was facing vicarious trauma. I could see the car, see her inside, and see him full of misery. In my mind, I could see the sheet draped over her body and on occasion, smell the vapor from the crushed radiator. This is not a new concept for me, as much as I wish it were, with what we go through daily as dispatchers, vicarious traumatization is a reality. We give so much of ourselves on every call; is it any wonder that we gain scars from those hard calls, the ones that stick with us for way too long?
Vicarious trauma is known as secondary trauma or compassion fatigue. Basically, an indirect exposure to a trauma through a first-hand account of the event. Sound familiar? What can we do to lessen the impact? For myself, it has been prioritizing talking to those around me who understand what I am going through, mainly my co-workers, remembering to breathe, giving myself grace to not be okay sometimes, and writing poetry.
Being certified in Peer Support, I was able to pull from my training to help handle everything that has come after that day and to combat the effects of my trauma from the accident. I’ve rediscovered the need for self-care and how important it is for all dispatchers to make self-care a priority before we find ourselves in a mental crisis. 911 dispatcher self-care is, in fact, an Emergency and we need to become the First Responders of caring for ourselves so that we can continue to care for others.
Thank you, Suzanne for sharing your experience with us. If you are interested in writing a blog, please email amanda@911derwomen.com. Sign up for our newsletter on our homepage to stay up to date with 911der Women programming, exclusive content and blog updates. Click here and scroll to the bottom.